May this serve as a warning for those that want to get involved with this nasty woman; may all those that Google her find this and think twice. In the end, she turned into a psycho bitch. The last few weeks of niceness that I received had only been because I did not post this before and she was afraid that it would tarnish her image; now she told me to go ahead and give her her 15 minutes of fame - well here it is, for all the future Google searches of her name. Fuck you Irena Fürhoff, no more Mr. nice guy - this will last longer than 15 minutes.
The next one will want to watch himself as this woman is a professional liar - her job is to put spin on reports in order to justify tax payer dollars being given to a billion dollar corporation - so watch the lies, they will come out from the start for she does not seem to know the difference any more. Watch the mind also because it is fragile and sometimes goes over the edge and she can tend to lose it, all the while blaming the other person for anything and everything that she can imagine. You will also have to impress her friends and ex-husband as they are also decision factors in her life so be nice to everyone and no complaints.
I have written in my public apology that I have come to some realizations about myself, about how it is that I may have been complicit in the loss of that love and I must admit that I have been beating myself up a lot about this. After 4 months of hell and trying to be understanding, forgiving, loving, kind, gentle and there; yes I exploded a few times during that time but all in all, I held it together very well and was there for her if and when she needed to abuse me. Go fuck yourself Irena Fürhoff, I won't take your shit any more. You are that selfish child that never grew up and never learned to deal with emotions, forever blaming and projecting your own fears to keep love away and to justify your actions by never accepting any part in failure. All too willing to play the 'I know you are, but what am I' game.
Fact is that I have never, in my life, met a more selfish, self centred, deceptive, cruel, ignorant, uncaring, emotionally stunted person and I have met many. A 42 year old child that can not get over all her fears and blames from her past and her mind while claiming to be a Buddhist that doesn't even believe in love; everything is always about 'her'. Even with the realizations that she has seen in the last year and a half, she still blames me for anything she can think of at almost every occasion. These incidents and causes come at me randomly and change as time goes on, they come back again and again with new ones surfacing all the time. Never being capable of forgiving anything that she thinks I did to her. She has constantly tried to 'clear' herself of anything that I accuse her of like calling her ex-husband in a panic because I told her that he said she destroyed him when they split. Constantly worried about what others think and never seeming to think for herself. She cannot forgive herself, her parents or anyone else that gets too close to her and may break through to her heart for that may be brainwashing in her mind; I am, after all, the great manipulator.
It took me some time and a lot of blame (though she claims it was not blame) to realize this fact. OK, first off, one of the reasons for my evilness was that when I was at a Buddhist centre with her, we walked through a garden and I ashed my cigarette (not the butt) on the soil in the garden - excuse was that it was sacred ground and that I desecrated it by returning ash to the Earth. That was not enough, I had the audacity to say that it is just ash or carbon and that I was returning it to the soil. I had trampled on her beliefs and therefore must burn. This was apparently the first reason for her drifting away from our love. Now it is mainly about me trying to get her to see her own fears and I am blamed by words such as "how much must 'I' endure", showing the selfishness that she possesses for it is all about her. The excuses continue and the latest is that 'nobody liked me'.
Another excuse is that I was mean to her daughter because I was trying to instil some responsibility and a sense of 'paying attention to detail' by making her clean her room, make her bed or just trying to show her that short cuts in life is a lazy way out. I had tried to explain that a child should experience some discomfort, even anger towards a parent to which she later explained that 'she is a child of divorce, is that not enough?'. This is a child that is afraid to eat apples without cutting them up for she may lose her teeth.
I see what was really happening there, it was all about 'her', she had failed in her first marriage and had not been there for her daughter's first years due to her getting a PhD. The guilt from that is what is being projected in the over-protection of her daughter's feelings (she told me this herself). 'Let her sleep' she would say, 'don't push her' or just taking her side against doing the dishes and she would wonder why I would throw her a dirty look when she contradicted me and showed her daughter that we were 'split'. We had discussed that we needed to be united for the child would see the separation and work against one or the other until she finally got her way. She was also a child of 12 years that said things like 'I almost died' from being hit by a branch in a wind storm or 'this boy at school was almost paralysed" from falling from his bike; am I the only one that finds fault in a child thinking like this? Now her daughter controls both her and her father through manipulation to get her way.
It is apparent now that the love for me was only if I would bow to her demands. When we started, it was her that insisted that I leave my job and move in with her so that we may be together. She had told me that 'it was nice that I had assumed the role of father and husband' (stay home) for it alleviated so many pressures from her life. She had told me, on many occasions, that I made her feel like a woman and she was glad that I acted as a man. She only seemed to love me when I would fuck her, so as advice for the next men she devours, fuck her well and she may love you for a while; make sure to make her squirt. And remember, when she says she loves you and doesn't mean it, it's not a lie, it is confusion.
Now, don't get me wrong, I will admit my mistakes. I did not search too actively for a job until the end. I sat on the couch smoking pot for months as I developed my reading, writing and theories without helping out financially but she did have a great job (that she told me from the start was killing her) and was making enough money to comfortably support our lifestyle. I had asked her on many occasions if she required me to find employment, as I would have gladly done it if it was deemed necessary but she always told me that I did not have to.
The best sex for the body and for the mind she had told me; an awakening that I thought she had shared. Little did I know that she was going to close herself off to me and no longer talk about what it was that was driving us apart. I admit that I was angry; at the world, at society and that I did not want to be in the large city that she was living in but she knew this from the start. We had talked about moving, about starting a new life somewhere smaller, less hectic and stressful.
Yes I had screwed up big one night when I got so drunk that she had to save me from myself, the worst part is that I did not remember anything the next morning. I had never been open in my life and that night I had reached out, but in her fear she never dared question what had come out of me and instead let it fester and never forgave. I never claimed to be perfect and also never claimed that I did not need her help in setting myself free from the demons of my past, for I did.
I had never been one to totally give myself to anyone before and I see now that neither can she. I did get to that point, and I thought that she did follow but was surprised when everything in our relationship was just dark and evil; all coming from me. I was the bad type of man that she always seemed to attract throughout her life. I was just 'confusing' her feelings as she could not let go but instead decided to torture me for months with lies of love and connection which I held to because I believed in her and in love.
It ended when I had found a house for us to buy - we made an offer (her money) of $9500 and would have moved to a small town close to where her daughter's friend was going and close to a major Buddhist Centre was located. Problem was that there was a prison in the town. Now I did not want this to be our final resting place, but instead for it to be a new beginning, a chance for us to rediscover our skills and to have some faith in our abilities. I was going to fix up the house for resale and maybe we would have been there for 2 years. The night that she cancelled the offer, she went to see her 'friend', who had told her that it was a mistake because she herself was now sinking $50000 into a condo that she rents but does not live in. I talked to the lady that this condo is co-owned with and she had let me know that the problem had arisen because the original work had been done wrong in the first place in order to save money by her 'friend's' choice. Also this condo was of brick construction (not the house) and was a rental property.
That is when the shit hit the fan and I was nothing but evil and everything that I had brought to the relationship was wrong. Later she went to see her Buddhist Shaman lady who had told her if she doesn't change something she would make herself extremely sick (she had told her this before but it had been about her job and life); now it was all about me.
Since then, the almost 1500 emails that we had shared; emotions, thoughts, pictures and insights have been deleted in an effort to 'clean up her past' (I have been sent to Google trash). I have been constantly attacked as 'threatening the life of her and her daughter' (because of the house) and for being 'controlling' and numerous other things that are simply a figment of her imagination. All I wanted was to share a life, share a love, and share the wisdom and knowledge that I had acquired in my lifetime. All I wanted was for her and her daughter to see that life does not have to be tied down to the corporate safety net that is so devoid of any humanity. To bring a more natural way of life that was less stressful and full of joy and beauty.
Fear, guilt, shame and blame ruined any love that may have once existed; for love itself is never enough these days. I have heard things such as 'you lived pretty well when you were here' as if the countless things that I did to make her life easier no longer mattered, as if I 'took advantage of her'. How do people get so cold and hard? How do they get so selfish? How does love die so quickly? I seemed to 'know it all' and 'shoot people down from up above' was said many times in an effort to make me take the blame and beat me into submission.
All I gave, in the way that I could at the time was love, truths, direction and a facing of the fears that seem to control the world on a daily basis. I wanted to share, I wanted to grow, I wanted to experience life with the love of my life. I did not want to be stuck in a scared relationship, controlled by outside influences forever. Yes I may have pushed, but nothing that could be considered unforgivable. In the last 8 weeks she has constantly lied to me and given me false hope on many levels, and then she emails me about her not being a liar - always needing to absolve herself of any guilt; for it is never her fault.
To her ex-husband, I say - you are also an emotionally stunted individual who has his own demons to contend with and you are whiny when you don't get your way. I only tried to give you strength but you could not get over you own ego either and viewed me as an attacker - well here is your attack. I was there, that day that you exploded at your 11 year old daughter after having bottled up things that I can not even begin to understand - swearing and screaming until I thought people on the street were going to call the police. She just sat in the back seat and took it, like she knew she had it coming as I reminded you that she was an 11 year old girl and to take it easy. You are in the control of both your daughters as they have you wrapped around their fingers and you have been oppressed by women such as your first wife. What kind of a man tells an 11 year old girl that she makes him want to kill himself? You are angry and talk too much of suicide to be a reliable father for anyone. I hope you find the help you need before you hurt someone.
To her so called friends, I say - fuck you, if you were friends at all, you would have encouraged the love, growth and realizations in her instead of feeding her fears and judgements by saying things like - 'be alone and find yourself' - or 'you're better off without him' or 'we never liked him anyway'. You only heard one side of the issue, only judged with half the information, you were not there holding her and consoling her through her painful realizations of her past, self, family and fears.
Some truths that I came to:
It was Irena that reached out to me, my mind and my heart.
It was Irena that insisted that I go to Montreal so that we may be together.
It was Irena that believed that I had insight into how to raise children and offer them experiences in life (including bad feelings) so that they may learn to deal with themselves and their own emotions.
It was Irena that constantly told me that she was glad that I was in their lives for they were constantly learning things about themselves and life.
It was Irena that told me that I was 'helping' her and her daughter by being there and taking on the role of father and husband.
It was Irena that encouraged my reading, writing and Things I Read Blog, later claiming that it made her too angry and was the reason for her loss of connection to the world.
It was Irena that judged me for apparently being 'against' her beliefs.
It was Irena that closed down the communications because she felt overwhelmed by the truths that I had to offer her.
It was Irena that allowed her fears and those from others to close her heart to me.
It was Irena that told me that I had made her come to many realizations about the world, herself, her past and her family.
It was Irena that had shame and judged herself for not being a proper mother to her daughter as she was getting her PHD and for her divorce.
It was Irena that would take sides and judge me whenever I tried to teach her daughter any kind of responsibility.
It was Irena that said that a child of divorce should feel no other 'pains' because the divorce was 'enough'.
It was Irena that had no faith in her abilities or mine.
It was Irena that lashed out and heaved blame on me.
It was Irena that ran away from us.
It was Irena that said that Buddhism could be about love or a goat.
It was Irena that stopped loving.
It was Irena that could no longer see the good in herself, me or us and instead focused on the imagined 'negative'.
It was Irena that strung me along in the end while always keeping her distance and a way out just in case she was not 'sure' of her feelings or in case someone didn't agree with her decision to try. Or maybe it was that the grass was greener on the other side, but why take the chance? Keep a backup, just in case.
It was Irena who wanted me to hate her in order to make things easier on herself.
It was Irena that fed off everyone else's reactions to her accusations and cannot seem to live a life or make decisions for herself.
If she is reading this, that means that I am at the end and that I will never again trust her to come back to my heart. My heart will never be the same, I have gone hard and probably will never open up again. This is what happens when you attempt to destroy a man that has a backbone, one that has a brain and one that will fight back. I am no longer your doormat and whipping boy; I whip back. Thanks for nothing; for the year and a half of lies, the waste of my love and the cruel heart I received and yet believed in. I don't know why I still love a nasty woman such as yourself.
Let me leave you with a little bit of PhD wisdom from one of our latest chats:
Irena: I guess I have closed my heart hoping it will change
me: change what
why can you not open it?
Irena: that our love would flourish again
Brilliant logic - close your heart in order that love may flourish. This is the kind of logic the next man will have to deal with, but don't worry, I am sure the next one will be an accepting moron that doesn't question too much or rock the boat in any way.
I digress, are there any good people left out there? People that want to 'live life' and that don't act like scared children or that can actually give as much as they get and forgive when the occasion comes up? Someone that can actually grow? Forgiveness is not only a part of love but a part of being human but even the most forgiving person has their limits and I have reached mine. So call me an ass-hole for posting this, but really - I don't give a rat's ass. I have gone through hell in the last 4 months, having given everything of myself and been invited to enjoy the pleasure of sex 3 times, only to be thrown away again and again. The latest is that she was afraid I would stalk and kill her, where does she get these ridiculous notions? She was nice one more time but even threatened me with police and lawyers; bring them on for I told no lies and this is a blog and simply my experience and opinion. She even went so far as to say that her Buddhist texts say that emotions are a bad thing in life; I cannot live without feeling. It's ironic that the most intelligent conversations I have ever had in my life has been with the stupidest person I have ever met. If this is going to be the measure of what kind of man I really am, so be it, for I cannot take this abuse any more.
